How To Keep Things LIT in Your Marriage

heart candle with lit flame

This article was written by Freya Robbins

Whether you have been married for 6 months or 20 years, in every relationship, in every marriage there are ups and downs, good times and bad times. So, what do you do when things aren’t so great, when the honeymoon phase is over, and the day-to-day routines get in the way of intimacy? 

I’m here to tell you, you want to keep things L.I.T. in your relationship if you want the relationship to stay alive.

L- Loving & Learning

I- Intimate & Intentional

T- Timely & Thoughtful

Loving couple sipping their morning coffee together

Loving/Learning– because life happens and mundane things in life can hide the love, you can fall into work routines, being on opposite work schedules, caring for loved ones or kids. Making sure to keep your partner’s love language top of mind, remembering to love them the way they need to be loved and loving yourself too by being your own person and caring for yourself before you can care for others. Break out of the routine and do something different, unexpected but loving. Being intentional with your love and making sure that you are intentionally reminding your partner how much you love them and why. Never assume your partner knows that you love them or value them. It’s important to keep the little things in the forefront of your relationship. Continue to learn about one another; don’t be afraid to ask questions of your mate about what they like and how they would like to be treated by you. We change as we go through life and our interests, wants, and desires can shift. Make sure you are learning about yourself and your partner for life. If your partner doesn’t ask, take time to tell them what your likes and dislikes are.  Remember ladies, he is not a mind reader!

intentionally intimate couple spending time together

Intimate/Intentional– physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally. Being able to be open and honest with your partner, be able to effectively communicate with one another. Everyone communicates differently, knowing what your communication style is and what your partner’s communication style is a good start to creating that intimacy. Intimacy doesn’t just mean sex!  But if you have great intimacy, it might likely end up with that. Intimacy is sharing your deepest feelings.  It can be sharing something you have never shared before or something you are afraid to share for fear of how it will be accepted. Spend time together just the two of you without interruption or distraction of others. Find something to do together you both enjoy, have date night, try new things, alternating picking the activity you two do together. Listen and talk, get to know the little things about your partner. If you are spiritual, make sure you set time aside for yourself and for you and your partner to develop that connection and grow it. If you are into current events or learning new things, read an article or a book and discuss your thoughts and opinions on it together. Create a couple’s bucket list together.

Couple doing dishes together, being thoughtful and timely with their actions and love

Timely/Thoughtful– time is precious, it is something that we can never get back. Take the time off, take the vacation, make sure your life has work/life balance. A healthy relationship should be balanced in your life, you both have to make an effort to create time and space to nurture and grow your relationship. With that being said, you also need to be thoughtful with your words, actions, and time. If you both have crazy schedules with work, talk about them the same day every week and create thoughtful time on your calendar to spend together, and then follow through. Be thoughtful with the little things, maybe your spouse has had a hard day at work, pick up their favorite treat on the way home, pick up dinner, put the kids to bed so they can get some alone time and relax, offer to give them a back rub. 

Your spouse is who you chose, if you love them, and value them, let them know. All reminders do not have to be big and grand, they can be loving, intentional, and timely. They can be those gentle reminders of why you fell in love, why you love them every day, and why you continually choose them. Slip an “I Love You” note under their pillow or in their lunch box. Be creative, think outside the box.  What can you do for them that would bring a smile to their face and let them know how much you love and appreciate them?

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Freya Robbins

Freya has been assisting families for years, combining professional training and her own experience in marriage, parenting and divorce; she truly relates to her clients. Freya founded Zollinger Mediation was in 2004, and she has been assisting families with divorce mediation, marital mediation, pre-nuptial and post-nuptial agreements and eldercare mediation since. Freya business is known as The Positive Alternative to adversarial divorce. She educates her clients and shares ideas in a straightforward but accepting way about how to resolve conflict. In addition to her mediation practice, Freya holds a Series 6 License and is licensed to sell Life and Health Insurance, Annuities, Mutual Funds and Retirement plans. She holds a Certification in Long Term Care (CLTC) and is certified as a Chartered Special Needs Consultant (ChSNC). She helps families with special needs as she has a son with Epilepsy. She also cared for both of her parents as they needed assistance with care and in preparation for passing. Freya has written articles for West Coast Woman Magazine, the Observer and has been volunteer speaker for the Women’s Resource Center of Sarasota County. Freya is an advocate for eliminating Childhood Sexual Abuse and serves on the Board of the Child Protection Center in Sarasota, FL. Freya raised her 2 children as a single parent while building her businesses. Freya serves on the board of the Sarasota County Senior Advocacy Council and Josh Provides Epilepsy Support Group. Her most recent claim to fame is her marriage to Loyd Robbins in May of 2015. Love lives again!