Video | How to Start Dating After Divorce

“What advice would you give to couples who are newly divorced during this holiday, Valentine’s Day? To people who are new in the dating scene after being divorced.”

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Valentine’s day is a big holiday. It’s a special day for lovers. And that was actually the day that I married my children’s dad, so that’s always been a really big holiday. I think it is an important day for families, but it’s an especially important day for people who are in intimate relationships with one another. So, the first thing I would say, is if you are recently divorced and recently means within the last year to two years, you really shouldn’t be out dating. The reason I say that is wise counselors gave me the same advice that when you have ended a relationship, you’re injured, and you’re vulnerable to potentially getting involved with someone who’s not right for you, or someone who could hurt you, injure you emotionally.

The other thing is that we have some baggage at the end of a relationship, and we need time to heal. We need time to work on ourselves. And we think about what we contributed to a relationship that didn’t work, whether it was a marriage that ended a divorce or whether it was another close relationship that you had with someone for a long period of time, when those relationships end, it makes sense to take stock in ourselves, take a look at ourselves, look introspectively at what did we contribute to that relationship? Because it’s easy for you to say, oh, that person was this. And was that and caused that. And that is true because we all bring something to the relationship. And when you start looking at your own self and realize you brought something to that relationship healthy or unhealthy.

So first, I think my advice is don’t be dating because you should be looking at yourself, date yourself, take care of yourself, get whole, get real, get honest with yourself. Whether that’s with a life coach a counselor or some other form of holistic healing, a lot of self-care I think is important. If you have addictions, take count of that, and do something about it. If you want to get better so that you can be right for that right relationship when it does show up. So, I think that’s the first thing.

Take care of yourself. Don’t be in a hurry. The other thing is, if you are a parent and you have children, especially minor children, but not even only minor children. If you have children, your children need you. They need you to be paying attention to them. They need to make sure that they matter that they come first, that they don’t feel abandoned because they’ve already lost the family connection that they feel by having both parents together. They need to be affirmed even more that they’re not going to lose both parents because one’s going to get someone new and the other one’s going to get someone new. They want to make sure that, they’re secure. Security’s important to children and it’s the quality of time that they have with you. You might be sharing your children with the other parent. So, you have to think about the time you do have with your children. How are you spending it? If you’re spending your time with your children off in a new relationship, that’s not really giving to your children. And they’re going to feel that.

I can relate this to my own experience with my mother. When my mom and dad split, it was fairly soon thereafter that my mom met someone who she thought was the love of her life. I think I was around somewhere between 11 or 12, and I felt like very much like a third wheel. I felt like I didn’t matter. I felt like I wasn’t important anymore. I felt like that man was more important to her than I was. And I don’t think that my mother necessarily did anything in particular that caused me to feel that way other than dating and spending a lot of time and energy with someone else. So, I felt very left out. I felt very alone.

And just me knowing that about my own experience, causes me to think about that from my own children and from my clients who are going through divorce or thinking about going through divorce or having been through divorce. And now thinking about the dating relationship, your children are only young for so long, and we don’t have much time with them. Between the time that they’re born and the time that they’re out of the house. And even out of our control, you know, by the time your children are 13, 14, 15, they don’t want to spend much time with you anymore. So, you think about that if you divorce, when your child was four, to the age of 14, you have 10 years with your child. It’s not a lot of time to have positive influence over them.

So, remember to:

1. Take care of yourself and heal
2. Slow down, don’t be in a hurry
3. Spend time with you kids, take care of your kids

Make sure you address the loss of your last relationship and work through the hurt and grief before opening yourself back up to dating again.

Video Transcript: