Beyond Making it Work: What to Expect Once Divorce is Certain

This article was written by Freya Robbins

First, before we ever bring the dreaded D word into the discussion, I would hope you two are talking. It would be wise to reach out to a competent counselor, marriage mediator, pastor or close mutual friend, to help facilitate you making an earnest effort to communicate whatever concerns and fears you may be experiencing, as well as your love for each other.

Of course, no one should ever stay in an abusive relationship. We all have the right to live our lives free from fear. But in many cases that don’t include abuse, before you start down that path, you really want to honestly ask yourself:

“Have I done everything I can possibly do to save this marriage?”

There is no doubt in my mind that the single hardest part of the divorce process is coming to the emotional decision that the marriage is over. Oftentimes we struggle through months and years of a damaged relationship, trying to make it work, trying to pull it back together.

You may have already tried counseling, marital mediation, or any number of other ways to increase communication and help each other see eye to eye. Sometimes it works and the breach gets repaired; other times, it just becomes more and more clear that there is no way to bring you back together.

Once you are beyond certain you have done all you can and there is no going back, the focus immediately turns to practical elements of separation, namely the finances and the children. This is where things can start to get messy.

The next question you should ask yourself is “How can we best SERVE each other, as we begin to unravel this life we’ve woven together over the years?”

You’ve spent years building this life together, it doesn’t rip off like a band-aid.

The following are some important areas that may need to be addressed:

ASSETS AND LIABILITIES—These will need to be tallied and divided. The statutes of your state will determine the basics of who gets what, unless you can agree otherwise in mediation. The State of Florida happens to be an equitable distribution state.

CHILD SUPPORT—Most states have clear guidelines for this. Florida has a formula for this based on income, health insurance costs, childcare expenses and the time-sharing overnight schedule you have with your children.

PARENTING PLAN—The state of Florida, and many others, require a plan outlining specifics about how you will handle the back and forth of your children, along with their care, expenses for school, extra-curricular activities, medical expenses as well as how you plan to manage holidays, spring break and vacation times, travel, etc.

PARENTING CLASS—In Florida, both husband and wife are required to attend a family stabilization class. I recommend they take it together to help with communication and interactions forward going.

ALIMONY—There is not a formula per Florida statutes, but there are guidelines based on several factors; the length of the marriage, the contribution to the marriage, the ability to earn an income, health, etc.

INSURANCES—If you are currently covered by your spouse’s employer’s insurance, you may lose that coverage when the divorce is finalized. There are other insurances, including life insurance policies, home and auto that will need to be updated and/or divided according to the plan for the division of assets.

Again, in the state of Florida and many others, mediation is a requirement prior to asking a judge to decide about your case. Mediation can take place with or without attorneys.

Of course, cases that involve child abuse or spousal abuse require swift action by legal professionals. If there is a serious imbalance of power or if there are addictions or personality disorders it might be helpful to have an attorney be your advocate.

Amicable cases can often be handled in mediation without attorney involvement, however, for that to work, the parties need to be active participants. It is possible to be amicable about the method you use to resolve your differences without agreeing about what the solution is. You don’t need to agree to be agreeable.

I don’t wish divorce on anyone. It can be very hurtful, time consuming and expensive. Please, do your family a favor and do your homework. Find out who can best serve you and your family. If you would like to learn more about my method, please feel welcome to call me for a complimentary consultation.