According to Lauren Howard, a Clinical Social Worker with a private psychotherapy practice in New York City, amicable divorce is a myth. While I can align conceptually with a few points that she makes, for the most part, I disagree with her point of view.

The article was posted in The Huffington Post on July 14, 2011, if you would like to read the entire article. You can find it on line at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lauren-howard/the-myth-of-the-amicable-_b_897823.html

So first, in her defense, let me say that I don’t believe being best friends is necessarily the goal of the divorced couple, at least to the extent that they would be involved in each other’s intimate lives. To me, that is clearly unhealthy. However, I do believe that the majority of couples want to and can be friends, respectful of each other’s privacy and caring about the long term well being of the ex-spouse. This is especially true for the couple with children. Thinking back about your past relationships, didn’t they develop as friends first? If so, then you can certainly end a marriage being friends, but yes, there must be healthy boundaries in the new relationship that is forged in the amicable divorce process. If not, problems are sure to set in over time. Friends, like an acquaintance or a neighbor, where in the future if you needed help with something, say a garage door that was stuck or a lift to the airport if you had no other options, would be appropriate. Not someone who abuses privacy of personal and financial information to control the other one. There is a big difference between these two situations.

As a mediator, I am familiar with post divorce situations that have resulted in the lack of boundaries, which often will cause future misunderstanding and confusion in the relationship. Many times this is an oversight and often it can be a reticence of one of the parties to draw clear lines out of guilt or fear of retribution from the other party. These situations should be rectified during the dissolution process, so the couple can work together to co-parent their children while still having separate and distinct personal relationships of their own. In mediation, I work with the couple to maneuver these very issues to help the couple build trust while developing healthy boundaries. This is in fact, is very good for the children to witness.

Delving into the rest of the article, I am appalled at the attitude of this so called professional. While I don’t have a CSW degree, I feel as though I have a life time of experience that provides me with unlimited compassion and understanding. As a matter of fact, I am currently enrolled in a Masters Marriage and Family Therapy degree program so that I can provide even more support to couples. What professional, whose job it is to work with couples to continue to live separately but in harmony, would say that it is impossible to do that? I would say this could be one of those professionals that makes her living by sending couples unhappy in their marriage to vicious attorneys , known to be adversarial, in order for the couple to tear each other up emotionally and financially, providing ultimately more profits for the attorney and little resolution for the couple or the family. Now that is what I think is a shame.

No one deserves that. The adversarial process is absolutely devastating personally and financially to both parties. I have experienced it personally and witnessed it from couples coming to me after hearing of the distress they can do to their spouses from family law attorneys or well meaning friends or family. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy and if you care about yourself or your children, I can’t imagine why you would want to hurt their other parent.

Yes, I agree that children can be confused if parents don’t develop clear boundaries, but the most devastating aspect of marriage or divorce is for children to witness their parents arguing about them. If you don’t know the answer to this from your own experience, ask any child what they would prefer and I don’t think you would ever get one to say their parents disdain for each other does not break their heart. And to hear anything negative about one parent from the other parent is a direct assault on your own child, for he or she is half the parent that is being put down.

Insurance is, after all, insurance. Not to be redundant, but to remind you that it is a protection, just in case, or in case of a particular situation or situations that you may experience in the future. We might purchase insurance and not need it. And alas, we say, well that was a waste! Well, correct, it might not be needed, but unfortunately, because we can’t predict the future , you don’t absolutely know if you need it or not, so we will discuss some of the instances you might need insurance for and how you may be impacted if you do not have insurance.

Health Insurance

Let’s discuss health insurance. You may be covered by your spouse’s health insurance through their employer. Once the divorce is final, you will no longer be able to be covered under your spouse’s insurance. You will have to plan in advance, to obtain your own health insurance coverage. Depending on your age and your health, you could be faced with very high premiums, or having a condition be excluded from insurance coverage completely. If you have a history of depression, other serious medical conditions, implants, drug or alcohol abuse, those conditions may likely not be covered, and even if they are, the cost of insurance could be much, much higher, or they could be excluded completely from being covered. It would be wise to check around to see what insurance would cost for an individual policy. Often times, the best option is to find employment where group insurance is provided, but that is not always easy to accomplish. As a part of your health and financial planning, it would be beneficial to gather this information well in advance.

Often, we don’t think about insurance until we already know we need it. We need it, because we have a condition that we are being treated for and if we have to change insurance, often we can’t get the coverage any more. Remember, when we are making application for insurance, we will be asked a cadre of questions, all of which can and will likely be verified by the doctors who have treated us in the past.

COBRA

Yes, you might be entitled to COBRA coverage with your employer or your spouse’s employer. The same thing goes here; if you opt for COBRA and then in the meantime , between being on COBRA coverage and obtaining an individual policy of your own, you develop a new condition, you will now have what is called a pre-existing condition that may make you ineligible for insurance through an individual policy in the future. There are more protections and acceptances with an employer’s group insurance, but so few small companies are able to offer health insurance. Each situation needs to be weighed to determine what might be the best choice for you.

Disability Insurance

Disability insurance is often purchased by professionals that earn a high income and they are the primary breadwinner in the family. This insurance pays a benefit if the insured is disabled for an extended period of time. This is very costly insurance and generally does not go into effect immediately.

You can also purchase disability insurance when you are signing for loans; this insurance is to cover the payment of your loan in case you are disabled.

Life Insurance

This pays in the event of your death or your spouse’s. It is possible, even if there is already a policy in place on your spouse, for you to own that policy. The owner controls the beneficiary designation and any changes to the policy. One of the most inexpensive life insurance means is through an existing employer, but there is a limit an often it is not sufficient to cover the needs.

If you are looking for a new policy or additional coverage, you must pass health exams and answer rigorous questionnaires. This could be a problem if this is needed to cover a large debt such as a business debt or alimony an d the insurance is not secured prior to the agreement or finalization of divorce and you find out after the fact that the insurance coverage is denied! A good reason to do your homework early in the process.

Term Life Insurance

This less expensive than whole life insurance and typically lasts a certain period of time.

Whole Life Insurance

More expensive than term life insurance; this builds up a cash value.

Do you suffer from tax information avoidance? Not many of us enjoy delving into the particulars of taxes, but this knowledge could be helpful to you if you are considering divorce. This article is not meant to take the place of tax advice, so please consult with a trusted CPA. We will discuss some areas that you will definitely want to be aware of as it relates to a pending divorce.

If you are like most people, you have left the tax decisions up to your spouse, just like a lot of us have left the general finances up to the other spouse. There are some advantages to knowing your financial and tax situation.

Tax Exemption for Minor Children

When a couple who have minor children divorce, they must decide who will take the IRS tax exemption for the children when they file their taxes in the future. This can be a significant deduction so don’t pass it up. If you are giving the exemption to your spouse to take, you will need to complete an IRS 8332 form giving permission for them to have the exemption instead of you. If you have more than one child, often times, couples agree for each parent to take one child and then alternate if there is an odd number or when there is only one child left. A good rule of thumb is to check with your accountant to see who benefits most from the exemption or deduction tax wise and give it to that person.

Deduction for Closing Costs on a New Home

If you purchased a new home after the divorce, you will be able to deduct certain costs that relate to the closing and the mortgage costs.

Deductions for Refinance Costs

Although you may deduct these costs, you cannot deduct them all in one year. Even though it may not seem like a large deduction, even a little bit over a long period of time is still an advantage to you.

Deductions for Mortgage Interest and Taxes

If you keep the marital home and continue to pay the mortgage and taxes, you will be able to deduct these expenses on your taxes.

Homestead Exemption

As a part of your Marriage Settlement Agreement you will determine if one of you will keep the marital home and providing it is your primary residence, you will also be eligible for the homestead exemption which will reduce your taxes and insurance.

Taxes and Penalties on IRA’s

If you need to cash in your IRA, or take some cash out, as a result of divorce, you can avoid the normal 10% penalty, because of the divorce, but you will still pay income tax. You must do this at the time of divorce, not afterwards. If you are simply transferring an existing account into your spouse’s name as a part of the equitable distribution of marital assets and liabilities, you, nor your spouse will pay any penalty or tax.

Divorcing and Remaining in the Marital Home Together

This is happening more due to the economy and real estate market. Your marital status on December 31st determines if you can file joint or must file single, so if you divorce and remain in the marital home together, you will have to decide how you will divvy up the deductions for the home forward going since your will have to file separately.

Filing Joint or Filing Separately

If you are not divorced yet, but perhaps you are living separately and are wondering if you can file jointly, the answer is yes. Often it is to a couples’ advantage to file joint, and a good way to determine the benefit is to ask your accountant to prepare a phantom return (a what if scenario) to see what the advantages are to each of you. If you are working towards an amicable divorce, and it is advantageous for one of you, but not the other, one might pay the other the difference, and it is still meets both of your needs. Giving one of you the money you would have received if you filed on your own and eliminating taxes the other one would have paid to have to file separately is a win for everyone, except Uncle Sam.

Bankruptcy

Just a note for couples who are considering this. Often it is less expensive and less complicated to file as a couple for bankruptcy prior to the divorce. Please call if you have any questions about this.

Simply this is a message of honor and thanks to the mothers and maternal role models that have been there for their children. Do you know a woman who has experienced divorce and ended up being  the only parent to  physically, emotionally and sometimes financially care for their children?  Is she your neighbor, a co-worker;  or  perhaps it is your own mother.

Mother’s often put their own needs and desires behind the needs and desires of their family.  After divorce, these mother’s continue to sacrifice so that their children have what they need, while the mother’s go without.  Personally, I have seen mother’s go without health insurance while their children have health insurance.  I see mother forgo further education while they set aside money for their children’s education.  Mother’s will buy used clothes so they can take their kids to buy new clothes, mothers will forgo counseling to take their children to a counselor.

These mothers are the ones that are involved in their children’s school, extracurricular activities etc, while sacrificing their own social time and activities. What makes up do this for our children? We are socialized to be caregivers and nurturers, so it comes naturally for us to give unselfishly. It gives us great joy to do for others.  She cooks, she cleans, she works, she is with us as bed time, she is there  to mend our cuts and bruises, to talk to us about our hopes and dreams, fears and successes, to guide us about the right choices of friends or  a mate in life, to practice our spelling and anatomy questions, to take us to school and pick us up from activities, to see to it that we have a birthday party, to call the doctor and take time off of work to get us there, to work alongside of us when teaching us a new skill, to loan us the family car, to advocate for us when we run into a snag, tell us with love when we are clearly wrong, to encourage us when we think we can’t go on, to love us when we are unlovable,  to attend our concerts, plays, and other performances, to pick out gifts for us that really matter to us, to protect us, to save us from ourselves when we can’t see our own immaturity, to go to the craft store to help us with a last minute project for school.  These are just but a few of what mothers do daily and many times without a simple “Thank you”.

Ah yes, but how do we balance this and still create a healthy environment for our family?  Good question, because some of us take it way too far and don’t realize that our self sacrificing can be a detriment to our children  if we aren’t setting a good example.  What  if, in fact, we are not taking care of ourselves?  Should we provide for health insurance for ourselves?  Should we get educated?  Should we take time for ourselves when our children need us?

Yes to all of these, but everything in moderation, it doesn’t have to be all or none.  If we are not taking care of ourselves, how can we take care of another?  We have all heard this every time we fly when the flight attendant instructs  us to put the oxygen mask over our mouth first before we assist our children.  The same goes for our bank account and our health.  If we are physically or emotionally hurting, then how can we possibly there for our children?  If this is you, let it be a wakeup call to take care of yourself so that you will be there in years to come to care for your children.

Many, many thanks to the Moms who have given of themselves to their children.  It is never about the material things in life, it is always about the relationship that we create and nurture.  Enjoy your Mother’s Day and know that you have made a positive impact in the life of a child.

Whether you have biologically fathered children or if you have been a surrogate father for a neighbor or friend, this thank you goes to you from the children whose lives you have changed in a positive way.   In these times of increased divorce, many children have been left with no father figure in the home and others with limited contact with their father.

In many homes, it is not necessarily a separated family that requires a replacement father figure.  It may be a home in which the father travels frequently, or perhaps the father is not involved for other reasons, either by choice or perhaps there are health concerns in the family which results in not enough people to nurture and care for everyone that has a need for a father figure.

We all know the statistics about the percentage of divorce, in which approximately 50% of all first marriages and over 70% of second unions end in divorce.   Obviously, there is fallout from these situations which can affect the parenting relationship and the physical, financial and emotional well being of the children from these marriages and breakups.  Suffice it to say, it is staggering what the absence of a parent, and as just as serious and of great concern, is what the negative impact of ongoing conflict between parents is having on their children.

So all this brings me to my own lack of a father figure and beyond to my children’s experience.  May God rest my father’s soul; he did the best he could with what he had to offer.  Reflecting on my own “not so amicable” divorce (yes, I admit, it is embarrassing and so you know, it was not my preference) causes me to see how the fallout has affected my children.  My children have a father that was there, but not really there.

We had a wonderful neighbor and friend, Fred, who took an interest in my children.  Both Fred, and his wife, Kathy, included my kiddos in their evening walks.  They would stop by the lakes and feed bread to the ducks and geese.  Sometimes the kids would come home a little wet, but delighted, from accidentally slipping into the water.  When Fred was working on his car, he would take time to explain to my son what he was doing.  One day I looked out the window to see Fred teaching my son to ride his bike.

Fred and Kathy had bunnies and dogs that my kids would play with.  Once in a while when I could not locate my kids, I would find my children playing  board games with Fred and Kathy.  They never forgot my children’s birthdays.  It was a simple gift, nothing extravagant, but always some recognition of their special day.  Occasionally they would invite us all over for a big pot of their delicious spaghetti, not a fancy meal, but there was always lots of laughter and socializing.

Unfortunately, Fred and Kathy relocated to a city seven hours away from us.  My kids still recall the sad day Fred and Kathy moved away.  As a family we went to visit them and we went out to Dave & Buster’s.   The kids had so much fun; they would not leave Fred’s side.  Their father was a bit confused and did not understand why the children wanted to be with Fred instead of him.  Plain and simple, Fred was the one that invested his time, energy and heart into these sweet children of ours.  Shortly after that trip, our marriage ended in divorce.  Soon after that we received a phone call from Kathy that Fred died of a heart attack in his sleep.  My daughter sang a beautiful Amazing Grace at Fred’s Memorial Service.  Little did we know then, that was the day that my son felt like he lost his father.  To this day, my son struggles greatly from this very significant loss.

The message is one of recognition and heartfelt thanks to a wonderful man that gave unselfishly of himself to a little boy and girl, who will worship him forever.  We all have the opportunity to be a Fred.  Don’t miss the opportunity to change a child’s life forever.  Fred’s gift to my children did not cost anything but his love and his undivided attention.  It’s not too late to be that person for your children.  We love you Fred.

Many people, both divorcing parties and attorneys struggle with where to place a CDFA in the divorce process and how to use them effectively. So here are some pointers:

1. CDFAs are experts in the finances of divorce. By that I mean they understand not just the complex issues surrounding who normally gets what and why, but also what that is likely to mean to the divorcing party’s finances over the long run. Right now the best example I can think of is what are the implications of taking on a house with a mortgage in a divorce, as opposed to trading it for cash or selling it jointly with your soon to be ex spouse. This is an analysis with far reaching implications in the new real estate market. Now more than ever it may not be a good idea to take the house in the divorce, but to know whether you should or not, takes a financial planning approach that a CDFA is perfectly equipped to bring to the table.

2. CDFAs are an inexpensive addition to the mediation process in your divorce. With your attorneys blessing, they can attend mediation with you to help you determine the wisdom of accepting an offer or making a counter offer. We come to the mediation process with a computer and all the software we need to have you more prepared than the other side, and since preparation is 90% of success, you can rest assured that you will understand why you settled for what you did in the mediation process. You will also understand the likely effects, both long term and short term , on your life.

3. Don’t listen to the untrained when getting a divorce. Your attorney knows the law and you should listen to their advice at all times. By the same token, your attorney is too busy with the law to be an expert in financial planning, so avoid overly simplistic settlements. All too often we are seeing women taking a house as lump sum alimony as the default settlement. Although that can be attractive, it should be measured and analyzed before it is accepted.

4. Extensive work is done by a CDFA long before mediation happens. Typically we meet with our clients 5 to 10 times and with our clients and their attorneys at least 2 to 3 times prior to mediation so that a financial strategy is laid out with many variations. Having an understanding of the possible approaches relieves the stress of mediation and makes for better decision making.

5. After the divorce, a CDFA will help you with account transfers, transfers of IRAs and reconciliation of the settlement to make sure you get what you signed on for. Your attorney then receives a summary of the assets that have been transferred and can close the case or help chase assets if necessary. This is a much more cost effective approach to paying an attorney by the hour to accomplish housekeeping tasks.

6. Finally, you can actually save money by using a CDFA as there are certain financial tasks (like filling out a Financial Affidavit) that you can do using a CDFA, who then coordinates it with your attorney. This leaves your attorney as the CEO of your divorce free to work on the bigger more important ideas, with more information easily available, as well as insight into the implications of any suggested settlement proposals.

7. CDFAs are better versed than attorneys on retirement plan issues. You can avoid costly QDROs and tax errors by consulting a CDFA during your negotiation phase.

A CDFA will typically add two to three thousand dollars to the expense of a divorce. With assets over $250,000 you should consider this as a serious option for improving the quality of your divorce.

If you would like to find out more about how we can assist you, please feel free to call for a complimentary consultation. If you are reading this article and wondering what your options are, it is a nudge to call. If you already have an attorney, it is not too late. Whether you have started down the path of divorce yet or not, we can help you.

Are you suffering from Holiday Hangover? Many couples feel that way after the Holidays! The holiday season typically consists of dealing with family issues, in-laws and finances that can strain your marriage. Many divorces can be prevented if couples would stop and get the financial help that is strangling their marriage.

Most of these things you actually have control over, it just feels at times like you don’t. What can you do now in terms of planning to start fresh? Instead of setting up New Years Resolutions that will soon be broken try a plan that is workable.

What do you want to accomplish? What is out of whack in your life? First I will do a little brainstorming with you and then I will follow it up with some particular suggestions of what you can do.

Here are some areas that might be of interest to assess in your life: finances, taxes, credit card debt, other debt, investments, allowance for your children, budgeting, college expense and income, etc. Some other areas of concern may be related to the financial issues, such as who has knowledge of the above and do you feel there is an imbalance of control or power regarding them? That alone can cause marital discord.

Are you generally satisfied with your life? Are you doing the kind of work you enjoy and are your being paid fairly for it? Would you like to become educated in a different field or change your career path in any way? Have you been out of the work force for a while but have a desire to return but don’t know where to start? You might benefit by doing an interest survey to see if you are on the right career path.

Do you feel like life is passing you by and you don’t have a clue what your own financial situation is let alone a plan for making it better? STOP right there! There is plenty you can do and you don’t have to do it all at once either. You can take it a step at a time. Think of your financial plan as going on a trip. If you were going on a vacation, wouldn’t you first determine where your destination was? You would also need to consider where you were at currently and how you were going to arrive at your final destination. Hopefully you plan to have some fun along the way. If you are not having any fun it probably means that your situation could use an assessment. A simple beginning is where am I at now and where do I want to go.

When we work with a couple or an individual we take it from that approach. Where do you want to end up? What that means is, how much money monthly do you need to live on now, in the near future and in the distant future. What do you want to accomplish financially? Do you want to set up a fund for your children for college or are you going to let them handle their own higher education expenses? Do want to have money set aside for your own retirement? Do you already have a plan for that? Are you in the process of buying or selling real estate? How are you at keeping a checking account? Do you know what your net worth is? Do you know what your monthly income and expenses are? Do you need to replace appliances or make repairs that are of significant expense? Are you planning on making any significant changes to your monthly income or expenses? We specialize in helping with all of this.

When we are working with a couple or individual whose marriage is ending in divorce or separation, we help them plan financially so that both parties are involved in the decision making and they both understand what the outcome will be. It is important that it follows the states guidelines (statutes) regarding divorce as well as it needs to be fair. Divorce can be emotionally devastating, is should not be financially crippling also. We will help you work through the details of dividing the assets, determining alimony, if there will be any and also child support calculations.

If you want to either bolster your marriage by getting the financial part on track or you know it will end in divorce, we can help you weed through the complexities. Begin by making a list of priorities that you want to accomplish. Feel free to call or email with any questions if you are having difficulty getting started. If you would like, call and come in for a complimentary consultation to determine if our process and personalities will work for you.

We are often asked what the leading causes of divorce are, as seen from our experience. Although there is no simple answer, issues surrounding control are almost always involved. And control manifests itself most often when money is discussed.

We find that many couples do not have a clear understanding of the emotional meaning of money, how it almost always means different things to different people, even if those two people are married. Understanding how money matters to your spouse can save your marriage. The issues that we counsel on are usually the following:

1. Whose money is it if I earned it?

Couples treat this in a variety of ways. Some just dump all funds into a joint account and both parties spend from there. We believe this is not a good idea and eventually leads to trouble and one party “taking over” the checking account. We are firm believers in separate checking accounts, with full disclosure. In other words, nobody gets to hide their statements or expenses. The answer to the above question is it belongs to both of you.

2. Is it OK for him to make all of the investment decisions?

It can be if he truly knows what he is doing. But what if he has a very high risk tolerance and yours is very low? Diversification is the key to investment success and that might mean diversifying the decision maker. Why not have each of you have your own investments and to be free to invest as you see fit? Competition breeds success and if you are both making separate decisions it could raise your rate of return over time. This would also provide an opportunity for you as a couple to discuss your different strategies and results.

3. I inherited money upon my father’s death and now my spouse wants be to put his/her name on the account. What should I do?

Pure and simply, do not do it. Some spouses consider it a sign of love to share an inheritance. We think it is a financial mistake. If one party places the other’s name on an inherited account, it is a presumed gift to a spouse. If 6 months from now (or 6 days) your spouse files for divorce, it could be difficult if not impossible to get those funds back. It is better to use the inheritance to better the lives of both parties, while still respecting the intent of the grantor, that a blood relative gets the money in the end. This issue can be a divisive one and one that often brings out the worst in people. The presence of a mediator will make it easier for the parties to resolve it amicably with no resentment.

4. I am in a second marriage and we are having trouble deciding what money to leave to his kids and my kids. How can we resolve this?

This is always a touchy situation, and often one that is best resolved with an unbiased third party. Family issues can get very emotional. The good news is that if you are in a discussion about leaving money to kids, then there is probably enough to go around and to come up with a fair solution. The presence of a neutral party that specializes in couples and their finances would be a good place to start. They can look at things logically and can keep it from becoming a fight between the two of you.

5. My spouse continues to overspend. What can I do?

Sometimes, there is nothing that can be done. However, bringing in a CDFA (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst) to look at the issues can help. Who is to determine what overspending really is? If you want your spouse’s spending habits examined, then be prepared to have your own examined as well. Being willing to do this will allay any fears your spouse may have about the process.

In the end it is having an agreed upon financial structure that will prove successful, that will include, a flexible budget for both parties, a savings plan, an examination of the debt levels and well thought out account structure. This can lead to a reduction in stress over money and allow you as a couple to get back to the romance issues of your marriage, which is why you got married in the first place.

Answer: That is difficult to say without knowing the specifics involved in your divorce. The current rate for a Family Law Attorney is $250-$350 per hour. There are many other costs associated with divorce. For instance a counselor is approximately $100-150 per hour. The expense for an accountant is $150 – $300 per hour. A home appraisal is approximately $350. A business valuation is approximately $3,000-$4,000. The cost of traditional mediation is approximately $750-$1,050 per hour. There is also the loss of productive time that you could be working, but is now spent on the visits to the professionals handling your case or going to court. It is a given that the experience can cause emotional and financial turmoil. One of the current financial magazines estimates the average divorce costs $36,000.

The average cost of mediated divorces through our office is less than $3,000, for both parties. Our goal for you is to reduce the turmoil by sorting through the issues and hopefully helping you and your spouse determine what your concerns are and making a plan for the best way to proceed. We think the best method is non-adversarial. There are situations that require the adversarial approach, but the financial and emotional toll it takes on people is huge. Despite what people think, there are creative alternatives that can be explored even in situations where the heat is high. We measure the financial outcome before anything is agreed to.

Question: I am anticipating a divorce in the next year and I have a big business deal coming up. Should I put it off until the divorce?

Answer: If you are thinking about being clever and slipping one by, don’t count on it. It is always better to take the higher ground. That is what your parents taught you, right? Hopefully that is what you teach your children also. Do what you would normally do regarding your personal finances and business transactions. Now is not the time to be making major changes in your financial or business behavior for the sake of gaining in the long run. It will all come out in the end if you do and then you will have some explaining to do. Be upfront about it. It may not have that much of an impact on the outcome of your settlement anyway. If you want to know the financial impact of anything regarding your divorce settlement, we would be happy to run some calculations that show the immediate and long term impact.

Question: I have never worked. Can I get Social Security?

Answer: If your spouse has worked, and if you have been married for 10 years or more, then you are entitled to one-half of your spouse’s Social Security or your own, whichever is higher, even if you are divorced. Your spouse still retains 100% of his or her Social Security benefit. This is an automatic guarantee and therefore it is not a negotiation point in a divorce.

Question: Should the custodial parent keep the house?

Answer: This is a great question because it’s one of the most important overlooked questions. The answer is sometimes yes, sometimes no. It’s important to pinpoint exactly what it will cost to maintain the home, factoring in taxes, insurance and inflation. The next step is to analyze if there is enough money coming in to stay comfortable in the home (in other words, pay the bills each month). Once that has been determined, the advisability of retaining the home must be compared to the advisability of giving up other assets (such as liquid accounts, retirement plans, etc). Finally, all decisions need to be weighed against current economic and stock market conditions. Certified Divorce Financial Analysts are trained to help people answer this question before they commit to a settlement that cannot be changed.

Question: Ours will not be a complicate divorce. Can we do it ourselves?

Answer: You have a variety of choices. Over 50% of divorces in Sarasota County are Pro Se (couples file and represent themselves). If you both agree you can do it yourselves. If you want someone to help you mediate or help either of you with the planning of your financial agreement and the outcome, we can help with that. If things get sticky along the way, either of you can either pay an hourly fee for an attorney’s advice or pay a lump sum retainer (approx. $3,000 – $7,500) to have an attorney represent you.

If you are in the midst of a divorce or are even contemplating it, you are probably bewildered at this point. There is a lot to consider, from emotional issues relating to yourself and children if you have them, to the physical separating of yourselves, your households and the financial separating of what you have accumulated together as a couple and then the legal filing of the documents to make it all official.

Do you feel like you don’t even know where to begin? Many people in this phase of their life report that they have gotten speeding tickets, locked their keys in their cars, found themselves driving and forgotten where their destination was. There are emotional phases before during and after divorce. There are financial stages before during and after divorce also.

Prior to putting the wheels of divorce in motion is an excellent place to begin to get your bearings. What could all the ramifications of you getting a divorce at this time in your life amount to? Who gets what? How do I even know what it is all worth? Will I have enough to survive on after the divorce? None of this seems fair! I am not even sure I want a divorce. I hate the thought of going through all this and I don’t want this to be a fight.

A good place to start if either you or your mate is considering a divorce is to take an assessment of your financial situation. That is what we specialize in. Think of it like going on a trip. Before you can go anywhere, you have to know where you are starting from. We assist you in taking a snapshot of your current financial situation and help you plan the stages along the way. You will need to implement a plan for the interim while you are separated but not yet divorced. We will measure various scenarios, allowing you to see what your financial picture will look like after the divorce. How can you negotiate an agreement between the two of you if you don’t even know what the options mean to you financially?

We like to work with a couple together, if you are inclined to an amicable settlement. We don’t necessarily meet in the same room at the same time. We understand that the emotions run high during this stressful time. We do what is best for the couple. The days of duking it out in court are on the decline. Less than 5% of all cases go to court. You loved each other when you got married. The least you can do for each other is to end it on a civil note. Divorce is a problem to be solved, not a battle to be won. We are your first line of defense. We have had clients remain married and many continue with some sort of friendship after their divorce, and when you have children this is paramount.

Since we are not attorneys, we do not have the power of subpoena in working with you and your spouse. When you mediate your separation and divorce with us we expect you both to be forthcoming with all the necessary financial documentation to assist you in preparing the documents. Not everyone is a good candidate for this process, however, our society is moving quickly towards a collaborative environment.

A good way to simplify the complexities of divorce is to think of it in steps. First we divide the assets, then we determine if there is any alimony, then we calculate child support if you have children. We will assist you with everything from start to finish. If your situation needs other specialists, we will refer you to the professional for your particular situation.

Even if you are in the midst of your divorce and you need some assistance untangling the complexities we can help. If you or your spouse began this in an adversarial manner and you are feeling uncomfortable about the path it is taking, it is not too late to stop and reassess the direction you are going in. We are happy to help no matter what stage you are in.